If Being Fake Were an Olympic Sport: It’d Be Called Parenting

I remember when all I was judged for was how shit faced I got the night before, where I may have urinated, and possibly how much pizza I ate.

When you become a parent it's a whole new thing. Are you breastfeeding? Are you going to have him circumcised? Oh my God what about cloth diapers, all natural, making your own baby food, pediatrician, mommy and me groups. Here's the truth. I used to be one of these moms and I never took advice from anyone. I knew it all and if I didn't, Google did. Yeah, that's right I Google and if you can't admit that you Google everything then you're one of "those moms". 

"Those moms" are the moms that are going to judge you even though they do everything you do, but they will never admit it. They are still thinking they can do it all. They still have time to do their makeup and are still wearing stain free t shirts. "Those moms" creep your Facebook and start "Mommy Wars". Everything you do is their business and when you do get a second to log on to your Facebook once your child is finished watching Hobbykidztv you have notifications from "that mom" that is questioning your parenting. For example, I could post "Bostyn sitting up at 6 months" here are the comments: "Jane was sitting up at four months." When I read that not only do I feel like my kid is behind for about two seconds then I just realize how big of a bitch Jane's mom is. Well guess what Jane's mom my son is the last of four and he's a little bit slow. I have to work all day and come home to a thousand things to do. I'm lucky to make sure my kid eats. I'm fuckin stoked that he's sitting up because that means he will do more soon which makes my life a little easier. Your kid sat up at four months? Great. When she walks at 8 months good fuckin luck. 

Realistically I shouldn’t have to defend myself or my child’s development. Jane’s Mom should like my post and keep her opinions to herself. I mean I’m happy for moms who want to brag about their child’s progress, but don’t brag by bringing someone else down 

Now, like I said before I was totally one of those moms. Then I had another kid and realized my children are going to get bumps and bruises. They are going to develop differently and I’m going to be so much more stressed out. When you have a second child you aren’t going to have time to do everything you did with the first. I really wish I did. My first got so much more attention. However, I also treated him like glass. When I had my second then my third and fourth things like mommy and me classes, buying Baby Einstein toys, and having play dates wasn’t realistic for my new lifestyle or multiple kids. 

So if you see me at the park and one of my kids are eating dirt I am aware and see that as building their  immunity. If my kid’s clothes don't match I don't care. They’re dressed right? Everyone else cares more than I do. Moms do not need to impress one another. I have never felt more judged than when I go out in public. At first I would quiet my child down to convenience other people so I didn't get the "control your kid" look. Here's what I have to say about that: fuck you. They are kids. They are loud. They are annoying. They are going to grab shit off the shelves. I'm going to threaten to throw them in the garbage if they aren't good. I'm going to bribe them with candy. I'm going to do all the things that all the parenting books say not to do. I don't care. I'm there to get my groceries not to look like a Stepford Wife with perfect children.

If you don't think you can handle looking ratchet in public, being judged by everything you do, or tell other moms to shut the fuck up then children are not for you. It's a war zone out there ladies and gents. Judge me for drinking two monsters and four expressos a day while I'm wearing busted flats, jeans that I haven't washed in four days, eye liner that is kind of smudged, and a hoodie that I think is my son's. Judge me for my kid wearing snow boots every day, my daughter's hair looking like a bird's nest, my oldest son with his kool aid mustache, and my baby boy with half his chocolate milk on his shirt. If you can't pick your battles and are more worried about what everyone thinks of you don't have a child.  

But if you’re going to have a child or multiple children then know that parenting isn’t like the books tell you. Parenting to me is learn as you go. Kids are always going to test you and they are going to do something new every day. You are going to mouth “what the fuck” at least once a day. Your kids will look at you when you say no and completely disregard your no and do it anyway. 

We aren’t perfect moms. We make mistakes. We always want to do better and make our children’s lives better than ours. It’s a common goal we all have as mothers and fathers. So the judgements aren’t needed. We build ourselves by building one another.