“No Officer, I’m not drunk. It’s World War Three in my Backseat

You remember those quiet rides you used to have ya know, childless. They were amazing. You could go through a drive thru and order your Venti Iced Macchiato, without a kid screaming “I WANT CHICKEN NUGGETS.!” You could go to the store feeling confident that you haven't left your child in the car.  Your car didnt have old chicken nuggets, fermented grapes you could probably get a buzz off of, and your car was CLEAN!  Here is me going anywhere.

First I get them ready which takes about 45 minutes anyway. Then I have them lined up at the door.

"No I'm the line leader." 

"No I’m the line leader." 

"MOM!!!!”

"Just get out the door."

We get out the door.

My son keeps the door open. 

"Mom you should use your manners and say thank you" 

Me:"ok Arsyn thank you" lets go.

Baby in the car seat and my other kids are able to put themselves in their  car seats I put the straps on and buckle in. I get in the front and start the car look in the rear view mirror. All the kids are standing up in the isle. 

"Guys get in your seats" 

Zoey: I don't want to sit in my seat" 

‘Me: “get in your seat.”

"But I caannntt" 

Me in my head “fuck my life.”

I get out of the car. Get in the back seat. Zoey is in her seat and putting her straps on. Great. So I adjust their seat belts and we are good to go. Pulling out of the drive way. 

"Mom you didn't feed me breakfast"

Me:”you're going to eat at daycare.”

"Mom you never feed me.” 

Me:”yes I do and you will eat at daycare.”

I get to the first stop sign. 

"Mom! Ashyr is out of his seat belt."

I look back in the rear view and my ninja son is out of his seat belt.

Me: “Ash get in your belt.”

"I don't want to.”

Me:”Ash put your seat belt on now.”

I pull over. Magically, he’s been in his belt the whole time! 

 Ok let's do this traffic. 

"Mom I'm going to be late." 

He's not going to be late. 

I still have time to stop at Dunkin Donuts and get a coffee before dropping them off to daycare and making it to work. 

Get to the drive thru "DONUTS!!!!"

Me:” no guys we aren't getting donuts today mommy is just getting coffee.”

"I'm hungry you never get us donuts"

all of them start crying and I just feel like a terrible mom because I'm just trying to get some coffee and I don't want to hear screaming.

“Ok what kind do you want?”

"Chocolate" 

Ok so I order.

Get the donuts and my coffee. Hand them out. 

“Ok guys be careful.”

" I don't want this kind mom" 

Me:”well don't throw it on the ground" 

We get to daycare. Get the kids out and magically donuts on the floor. 

Sweet. 

Now, after you've gotten all the kids out of the car into daycare. You are free to rush across town to get to work! 

Now after work. 

Same routine where you put them in their car seats and they magically get out of their seats. It’s just been a day. You’re trying so hard not to yell. You want to be cool, calm, and collected. 

 "Mom where are we going"

Me: “home”

"mom where are we going" 

Me:” we are going home!”

All the parenting books say not to yell and preach about scream free parenting but kids cannot hear.

So I yell "home" for the third time.

"Mom you don't have to yell"

seriously?

"Mom Zoey is taking off her socks" 

Me:”Zoey leave your shoes and socks on" 

"I can't reach them"

Me:”well you shouldn't have taken them off in the first place.”

"What mom!?" 

Me: “nothing.” So we pass McDonalds. 

"Mom I'm hungry" 

I had already decided that it's happy meal O clock because it's Monday. 

"Ok guys what do you want" 

Most of the time I get dollar menu because I'm not paying four dollars for a toy they are going to break in a half an hour. My kids don't even know what a happy meal is. I'm cheap. Judge me. I order. 

"I'm hungry now" 

“you all are waiting until we get home.”

All of them start screaming. I don't want to hear it. 

Me: “ok guys don't throw it on the floor.”

Half way home: 

"mom I have to pee" 

"mom my stomach hurts" 

ok hold it. We are almost home. I accelerate. 

“Mom I threw up" 

Me in my head: fuck! Ok we're home.

Vomit everywhere. Pee in the car seat. Hamburger buns on the floor and Zoey can't walk because she doesn't have shoes or socks on.  

This is one day. ONE DAY! 

I really want to be able to train my kids to not use my car as their own personal trash can. I really want to stop yelling. I want to be able to sing Disney songs and have a happy time in the car. It seems impossible. Sometimes you pick your battles.

My car is a losing battle with four kids. 

They win.

Every time.