If I Had a Dollar for Every time I said “Eat Your Food”
I cannot remember the last time I ate food without eating like a marine in basic training. If you can't shovel a three way down your throat in about three minutes do not have children.
Let me start out with the beginning of the day for me. Breakfast or what I like to “call give them something to hush them until daycare can properly feed them” because I'm in too big of a rush to cook a home cooked nutritious meal at 7 am. So most of the time it's a granola bar or a pop tart. My oldest will take his granola bar without any hesitation. He's been trained that if he doesn't take one he isn't eating. Now my daughter, she will want the pop tarts and she doesn't want me to open them.
Um ok Zoey...
Well sometimes I will forget to NOT open them. Because I want her to eat now and not in my car because she just throws the pop tart crust on the floor. So I take out a pop tart and give her one and split it in half. I done fucked up.
"No mom! It's broken"
what was I thinking....
so I give her the unbroken one and try to pass the other one off to my four year old son.
"No mom it's broken! I want a different one" So I give the broken pop tarts that is apparently not able to be eaten because it’s broken in half and give it to my 2 year old son. That's most mornings.
Now if I decide one morning to make cinnamon rolls just because I had the thought
“I'm going to be number one mom today" I wake up an hour earlier. And I hate waking up. Make these cinnamon rolls. Guess what? They want their damn pop tarts and granola bars. Except my 4 year old. He ate four. But the next day he threw a fit because I didn't make cinnamon rolls. Here's my advice, don't let your kids think too highly of you. If you're a pop tart mom then stay a pop tart mom. If you graduate to a cinnamon roll mom then you better fuckin own it and make cinnamon rolls for days bitch. They are expecting those rolls every morning and it's your own fault pretending to be Susie Homemaker on a Monday morning. Now on to the subject of food. My kids would survive on chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese for the rest of their lives if I let them. I do have a conscience though and I do not like eating like shit. I do want what is best for them of course. And when you're not a parent you don't have that worry about what kind of chemicals not only you but your little minions are eating. You can just worry about those hormones going straight to your own ass not your 10 year old getting bigger boobs than you because you fed her terrible food with growth hormones. The media scares the shit out of you with all these food items that get recalled and you may have fed your child that item. Not only the media but back to "those moms". "Those moms" are posting their gourmet meal of organic, antibiotic free, free range, humane killed, grass fed, peanut free, soy free, GMO free, chicken. And for their sides home baked biscuits made from scratch without flour and asparagus fresh from the farmers market. Here's what I have to say about that: good for you, but please don’t go making me feel terrible. I get wanting to feed your kids the best and all that. No need to gloat about it. If my kids are fed and alive by the end of the day then it's been a good day. So most of my meals are crock pot items because I don't have time to cook most nights and it be cooked all the way through or not burnt.
It's one or the other.
Always.
So we try to sit at the table. Let's get them to the table first of all. That's a mission in itself. So after I've screamed my lungs out for ten minutes they get to the table. “Mommy I don't like this”
“you haven't even tried it”
“but I don't like it” that's my seven year old. Now my four year olds are already smashing through their food and by time I go to sit down
“mommy I want a drink”
ok. So I get up. Get them a drink.
“Mommy I don't want this. Mommy my food is touching. Mommy this looks disgusting” “eat your food”
“but I want your food”
“ok. It's the same but mine must taste better”
“mom I don't like this”
So I’m done arguing and have shoveled my food in my mouth standing while arguing with a seven year old about food he says he doesn't like even though I know I've fed it to him a million times before. My four year old son is finished throws his whole plate in the trash.
“What's for dessert?”
“Popsicles.
“That's not fair” from my seven year old. So he starts eating. My five year old daughter has stopped eating and is now doing gymnastics on the bench.
“Zoey sit up and eat.”
“But I'm full”
ok then you don't get dessert.
“Ok I'll eat.”
I have been finished for close to twenty minutes so I get up. Go in the other room. “Mommy I'm done” from both of my kids who were arguing with me prior about being full and not liking my disgusting food. Popsicles it is. After they’re in bed and I go to clean up I see bits of the fuckin food that was on their plates thrown all of the floor. “Little shits”
Check the trash.. there is the rest of their food. At this point I want to starve them out and make them eat the same meal for all three meals for a week, but I don't want to enter a losing battle. So I suck it up and clean it up and let them have this win.
Now public eating doesn't happen for me. I've learned my lesson many of times. I would rather run into traffic than chase my kids around a restaurant. Now if we do go. We go to a buffet and all of a sudden my kids are all the age of two because I'm cheap and you can't prove otherwise. However, when your kids are old enough to talk for themselves make sure you lie to the Chinese server under your breath to where they can't hear you because your kids will call you out on your bull shit and be like “nah mom I'm five”
So we go to the buffet and they get all this food. And they don't eat a single bite. You're begging and pleading for them to eat, but your children are more worried about the fuckin coloring pages they give to you to hush up your little shits. They are more worried about what you're eating then they see the desserts.
“No, you aren't getting dessert unless you eat your food”
Mental fuckin breakdown o clock. So you give them the dessert because your kids are screaming their heads off and you're so embarrassed you just can't anymore. Finally it's time to leave. “Mommy I gotta potty.”
“Ok. Let's go to the potty”
In the potty anyway mid as well go too. And if your kids couldn't embarrass you anymore than they already have
“Mommy are you pooping? You're pooping!”
And you hear a little snicker from someone that is in the next stall.
I'm never coming out of this stall…. I will die in this stall with all four of my kids before I face the person that my son just announced me taking a shit to.
So once I hear the door shut I'm going to gather these little shits and run because I know these people are already cleaning up the noodles smashed into the carpet.
Who puts carpet in a fuckin restaurant anyway?
And they are looking at all that wasted food. To the door we go. Now every Chinese buffet has a Koi pond and of course my kids have to stop and look. Ok just for a minute. I see someone I know and look away for a second. I then look back and my kid is pretty much swimming in this pond.
Well, never coming here again.
I apologize. Grab my child and dart out the door. Ash what were you doing.
“I seen money”
then he reaches in his pocket and grabs out a bunch of change. If your dream or wish didn't come true it's probably because my future gang member of a son just stole them out of the Koi pond.
Never AGAIN!
Now I will give myself credit I have worked hard on getting them to eat better and I sneak some healthier alternatives here and there. It’s up to you as a parent to raise them to eat healthier. You feel like if they don’t eat at all it’s worse than eating chicken nuggets. But stand your ground because most of the time they are wiring you out like a Western Stand Off.
“This kitchen isn’t big enough for the two of us..”. and with practice and determination you will win that battle!
There’s a new Sheriff in town you turds!
But on some nights when you just can’t... never feel bad for popping in something simple.
Crock pots make Mom life not so hard
